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• Be present and listen non-judgmentally. This is the greatest gift you can give grieving parents. Allowing parents to talk about their pain and express all their emotions helps them to come to grips with the death of their baby. Like all parents, they want to talk about their child. Engage in conversation about their baby, their baby’s labor and delivery. Be that person they can always share their special memories and stories about their baby with. Research shows that people who get support from close family and friends are better able to cope with major stressors in life, such as the loss of a child. Your support is very important now and especially in the months following when life around the grieving parents goes on and the initial support drifts away. The real grief process often does take place until months after the loss. The death of a baby can be a very isolating and lonely experience. Your continued love, support, and willingness to listen and be there for them is absolutely invaluable.

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• Give the gift of silence. Sometimes just being willing to sit with someone, hold their hand, and allow them to cry or formulate their thoughts without saying a word is the greatest comfort of all.

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• Remind them their loss is unique and all their feelings are valid. When someone losses a child, hearing stories of someone else’s loss can cause inevitable comparisons. For example: They may feel that the depth of their feelings is not valid because they lost their baby at 10 weeks and someone lost their baby at 39 weeks, or someone else had a miscarriage or stillbirth after years of fertility treatments and your loved one became pregnant easily. Please, remind your loved one not to measure one loss against another.  

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• Call their baby by name. This lets them know that you acknowledge their child as the unique person he or she is. It allows everyone to participate in the task of saying, “Hello” and “Goodbye” to this sweet child. Parents enjoy hearing their baby’s name spoken by others.

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• Gently support the parents and them to make their own decisions. When a baby dies, the parents are often suddenly bombarded with difficult decisions they were not expecting to make. Decisions such as when to induce labor or not to. Whether or not to hold their baby once he or she is born and to have photographs. (This is highly encouraged for as long as they want for it will be some of the few precious memories of their baby.) They are suddenly faced with funeral arrangements, the decision to bury or cremate their baby, and the reality of the baby’s room and belongings waiting for them once they are back home. As a grandparent or family member, your instinct may be to protect them and make these difficult decisions for them. But you can’t protect them from the reality of death. You can offer to help or make suggestions, but do not assume that they want you to take over. They need to make their own decisions. Making these decisions gives them a sense of control in a situation in which events and their emotions are out of control. The booklet Planning a Precious Goodbye can be helpful.

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• Offer to drive the parents (and grandparents) to the hospital, back home, and/or the funeral. They may not realize that their awareness of their surroundings and their decision-making skills are clouded while driving due to the shock of learning their baby has died. It can be unsafe for them to be driving at this time.

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• Include the baby’s siblings in an age appropriate way. The natural instinct is to want to protect children from death. But the loss of a baby affects the entire family, including the baby’s brothers and sisters. They may not know what death is or be able to understand it, but even the youngest child feels the tension and pain surrounding it. Children will grow confused if they sense something is wrong, are witnessing adults sad and crying, and then are told nothing is wrong. This can cause them to doubt their own feelings and intuition. It is important to be open and honest in your explanations as you share grief with children and acknowledge their loss in an age appropriate way. Children do grieve. Their response may vary according to their age and their feelings about a new brother or sister. A child may experience guilt if they had ambivalent feelings about having a new baby brother or sister. They will need the added support from grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, and family members as their parents grieve. Don’t assume children are not grieving just because they are laughing and playing with friends. Children express their feelings through artwork and play. They may want to make things for the baby or share their toys with them. Including children as family says, “hello and goodbye” to the baby in the hospital is valuable. Little ones typically do remarkably well with this. Include children in the funeral and memorial services, but do not force them to attend or participate in the viewing or service. It is a good idea to have a support person for each child at these times, and a grandparent, relative, or family friend can fill that role beautifully. Please, please when explaining death to a child avoid telling them such things as:  “He’s gone on a trip”;  “God took baby brother because he was so special”; or “She’s gone to sleep.”  While well-meaning, these euphemisms can really confuse and frighten a child. They may question, “When will he be back?” and become angry when he never returns. They may carry the fear, “If I am too special, will God take me from my parents forever?” Children may become frightened that they may also go to sleep and never wake up, causing sleeping problems for the child. It seems like a gentler explanation that is commonly used, but sleep and death are not the same things. Honest, simple, and clear age appropriate explanations are best. 

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• Attend the funeral/memorial service. If the parents decide to have a funeral or memorial service or ritual for their baby, please attend if you can. This caring act shows your love, support, and that you honor their precious baby. Parents do remember who was there with them. If you are unable to attend, you can send a card or letter that they can keep with the mementos of their baby.

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• Be available to help with daily chores and needs. Caring for children, preparing meals, running errands, doing the laundry, or cleaning the house can be the biggest help to grieving parents. In the weeks following the loss, parents often find themselves disorganized and unable to do daily chores. They may not be sure what you can do to help if you ask them or suggest they call you if they need anything. Being specific is best, “May I help you with ____?”  Grieving parents can find themselves overwhelmed if too many people bring meals in the first weeks. Grieving people often have a loss in appetite, so spacing meals is best. There may be some days that the parents just are not up for interacting, so checking in first is a great way to honor that. They might just appreciate the meal being dropped off without a visit. Other days they may really need the help and a listening ear. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays. 

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• Remembering the anniversary of the baby’s birth and/or passing is one of the most significant and meaningful things you can do for your loved one. Honor parents on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. They may want the day to pass quickly; however, they do appreciate being honored. Bereaved Mother’s Day and Bereaved Father’s Day are held the Sunday before Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. This is a wonderful way to remember all grieving parents. It is equally valuable to understand that parents may not be up for holiday celebrations, baby showers, birthday parties, etc. Invite them of course, but give them the dignity and space to decline or leave the event early.

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• Take time to honor your grief. As a grandparent, aunt, uncle, relative, or friend, you may feel you must be strong for your loved ones. You need the time and the space to grieve, also. The loss of a baby or child can be very lonely and isolating. Finding a support group, counselor, friend, online resources, or a clergy member or spiritual leader to work through your grief is invaluable. It enables you to provide better support to your loved ones.

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