Grief is a constellation of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with a death. It involves the internal meaning given to the external event of death. It is a normal and healthy response to the loss of a loved one. Grief involves common phases or stages that each person moves between and through. And, it is as unique to each person as their fingerprint.

The real grief process often doesn’t begin until months after the death. It is important to remind yourself that you are not broken or need to be fixed. You are grieving. It is the expected, healthy, and normal human response to the loss of your precious baby. It is the repression of the feelings surrounding the loss—by others and ourselves—that causes problems.

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The death of a child blindsides us, making it one of the most difficult types of loss to come to grips with and process. Added to that, most parents have had little life experience dealing with grief and death. Being able to reference these phases of bereavement can reassure you that what you are feeling is normal. At times you may feel as if you are moving through all of these phases all at once or flowing between them, for these phases are not static. Grief tends to come in waves instead of discreet stages. It has been compared to enduring a fierce storm at sea. At first, the waves are peaked and close together. Eventually, the sea becomes calmer, but occasionally the storm regroups without any warning. For several hours, days, weeks you may not feel grief; then suddenly you meet someone, or see something (such as a pregnant woman), or hear something (such as a baby’s cry), and the grief resumes. It feels as if you are taking one step forward and two steps back. And while feeling you would like to join your baby can be very normal, especially for women, if the suicidal thoughts become dominant or you feel you might act on them, please contact your OB/GYN provider or a mental health professional immediately.

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